>> PARENTING ARCHIVE

>> What makes a parent

Being a parent will probably be the most rewarding thing you'll ever do, and the toughest responsibility.

The parenting challenge
Being a parent means creating a loving, safe environment for your children as they grow from baby to toddler, right through to the teenage years. You'll need different skills for each stage, but at all times your child will depend on you. You'll become the expert on your child and on what they need to grow into happy, healthy adults.

Loving your child, with no strings attached, is the most important thing you can do. But you'll also have to make a huge number of decisions about the best way to bring up your child. Of course this responsibility brings joy and excitement - but it can be overwhelming, frustrating or even boring at times.

Most people manage these emotional and practical challenges with a mixture of love, help from relatives and friends, good advice, common sense and luck.

Early days

The joy of holding your newborn baby as he or she looks at the world for the first time can be magical. Having a child opens you up to feelings that are almost impossible to imagine in advance.

After the birth your emotions are often so overwhelming, you can't imagine you will ever forget them. It's worth making an effort to keep some mementos so you can share your memories with others. Remembering these early days may provide just the boost you need during the times when being a parent seems more of a pain than an adventure.

Getting it right

It's normal to wonder how good a parent you are. Perhaps you're worried that going out to work or being a lone parent will affect your child. You may worry about whether you're being firm enough, or whether you're giving your children what they need. We all hope to get it right and give a good balance of loving care and clear boundaries.

There is no one right way to parent and no perfect parent out there with all the answers. True, there are some guiding ideas - all children need love and affection, to be kept safe and given limits on how they act, to be warm, fed, clothed and to have the opportunity to learn. Beyond these you'll find many different ways to bring up happy children. Remember - when you feel confident and positive, your children are more likely to feel that way too.

Parent power

You'll use many qualities over the years, including some you never realised you had. First and foremost is an unlimited supply of love. Be prepared for the greatest demands to be made on this at inconvenient times - such as the early hours of the morning when small children are refusing to sleep or teenagers are still out having fun.

Wisdom and patience are always helpful, too. Sometimes all you need to do is listen, while at other times you might have to step in and take action. And remember you have special healing powers - a kiss and calm words can soothe cuts, bruises and disappointments.

Developing a high tolerance for mess is useful, along with the ability to do three or more things at the same time. Above all, though, hold on to your sense of humour and never forget that there's no such thing as the perfect parent.

Claire Haisley
www.bbc.co.uk

>> Help your child manage stress

Young kids can be affected by stress, or have sad moods. It has recently been recognised that they can suffer from depression, when previously it was assumed that only teens and adults were affected.

Stressed out!

Some estimates say that up to ten per cent of children in middle childhood may suffer from depression.

What might stress your child

Common causes include:

• arguments between parents or parents splitting up
• falling out with friends
• being teased too much
• being overwhelmed with work or homework
• school tests
• holidays

The last item in this list - holidays - may be unexpected. It's not only unpleasant events, but also some happy ones, that can be stressful to a vulnerable child. Even with celebrations, such as holidays and birthdays, some children may react by becoming so overexcited that they end up stressed.

Some children just seem to have a more happy-go-lucky temperament, and deal with most situations appropriately. They can get over disappointments and setbacks readily, and happily go back to dealing with life's challenges. Others find this more difficult - they may become withdrawn emotionally, or completely overreact to events.

Help your child manage stress

• Build self-esteem and confidence - show lots of love and affection.
• Keep your children up-to-date - it's vital for you to keep children informed about what's happening in the family and what's likely to be coming up. Children can become bewildered at what's happening around them.
• Look ahead - anticipate incidents that might be stressful for your child and help them as much as possible to prepare for these, such as returning to school after the holidays, exams, or even a holiday. Talk well in advance about the event and any worries your child might have. This can really help to cut down anxiety.
• Keep an eye on your child for signs that he's finding things too much - be alert to any sudden changes in behaviour, becoming more aggressive, not sleeping, or changes in diet such as overeating, or appearing to eat nothing. Do all you can to help at an early stage so that matters don't get worse.
• Talk and listen - encouraging your child to describe how he feels. Use reflective listening to check out what you're hearing, for example: "So you're saying you feel upset when you have too much homework." It's not necessary to solve every problem, but just talking things out can really help.
• Be realistic - don't have such high expectations for your child that he's completely stressed trying to live up to them.
• Involve your child - get him to help think up solutions to problems. This gives him a sense that he can make a difference and that things aren't hopeless.
• Use distraction tactics - a day out having fun at a theme park can make a child forget he's upset over a falling out with a friend, or joining a new drama group can soften the blow of not making it onto the swimming team.
• Encourage independence - achieving things on your own always gives a boost, so you should try not to over-protect your school age child.

Just letting your child play more with other children can often help him to get things in perspective.

Tips to cut down stress

• Don't put too much pressure on your child to achieve - giving the message that he must do well in tests, or must get into a particular school can create too much stress for some children.
• Make your own behaviour an example of how to handle stressful situations - if you can show that you don't fall apart when things go wrong, this teaches a useful lesson. If you freak out when the car won't start, or when the toast burns, this gives a message that it's all too much.
• Make sure your child has enough time to chill out - allow time to play, read or watch some TV. Rushing from school to music lessons or a tutor leaves no time to unwind and relax.
• Slow the pace of life down - you may have become used to rushing around, but your child needs more time to adjust to changes and to take things at his own pace.
• Don't forget or ignore your child in times of crisis or family change - it's hard for children to imagine what will happen next, and they need you to explain situations patiently to them.
• It can really help to lower the emotional temperature at home - if everybody is constantly yelling, rushing around and generally creating a stressful atmosphere, this is almost bound to rub off on children.
• Simple relaxation exercises can help some children - breathing deeply, and going floppy. You could even give your child a relaxing massage.
• Make sure your child gets enough exercise - set aside enough chances for your child to run around in the fresh air and balance this with making sure he also gets enough relaxing, regular sleep.

Of course, sometimes children have to deal with far more serious problems, such as serious illness, parents divorcing, or even the death of a parent. They will always need help and support from the important adults in their lives at times of major change.

Children often blame themselves for events over which they have no possible control. Just stressing that there's no way they could have influenced things can be a great relief.

If your child seems very depressed, or worrying symptoms carry on for more than a month, it may be best to consider seeking professional help - you could ask your doctor in the first instance.

>> Why kids misbehave

The truth is, misbehavior is as much a part of childhood as nose-picking and scraped knees are. But that doesn't mean we should excuse it when Johnny plays Frisbee with Grandma's special china or Cindy ties her stroller to the dog's tail — again. If you view acting up as a normal part of development — and not just a sign of parental inadequacy — you can get a step up on stopping it.

Understanding why children engage in bad behavior is critical to curbing it, says Harvey Karp, M.D., a pediatrician and author of the book and DVD The Happiest Toddler on the Block. If you can empathize instead of just getting angry, your discipline is more likely to address the cause of a problem instead of just the symptom. Some common reasons kids act up, and how you can control it:

Not knowing right from wrong
Kids aren't born knowing all of our rules. The world is their stage, your freshly painted Italian Straw walls their canvas, their own poop a remarkably convenient medium. They'll be drawn to experiment, again and again. It's how they learn. And their need to explore is pretty much inversely proportional to their impulse control. So even if a 3-year-old is aware that he shouldn't draw on the table, he might not be able to stop himself once the fabulous idea enters his head.

What to do:
Set clear rules and expectations. And of course do so before unpleasant incidents. You can do so gently: "And remember, we only draw on the paper. No drawing anywhere but the paper."

Make your feelings known. "Without blame or shame, state what you can see, and what you feel," Airhart says. (I see crayon all over the walls! I am really angry!) Then pause to let that sink in so he'll actually feel the consequences of his actions.

Don't worry if he cries. If you haven't yelled and frightened him, crying means he feels remorse. Remorse is good. Give him a second, then give him a hug.

Have him help fix the mistake. This not only clarifies what he did wrong but teaches about problem solving, consequences, and ultimately about how the world works.

Brace yourself. It will happen again.

Running on empty

Surprise! Just like you and me, when kids are tired, hungry, or not feeling well, they get cranky and irritable. But unlike you and me, they don't have the skills to contextualize and control those emotions. The result: irrational intransigence, disproportionate displeasure, and monstrous meltdowns.

"A tired child is almost not a child but a monster just waiting to spoil your plans," says Lori Bulloch of North Salt Lake, Utah, mom of Nathan, 4, Richard, 2, and Benson, 4 months. "It's worth it for me to arrange my schedule around naptimes. A rested child is simply a different child."

She's right. Kids will, finally, learn to control themselves, but until age 5 or so they're utterly incapable of doing that on a regular basis. Expecting your toddler to stand in line at the grocery store and heed your command to stop whining for those cookies may require more forbearance than she can muster when it's been a few hours since she last put food in her tiny tummy. "A hungry child's brain just can't process that dinner is coming soon, as opposed to now," says Sarah Airhart, founder of the Community School of West Seattle in Seattle, and mother of Emma, 8, and Harriette, 4.

What to do: When it comes to avoiding sleep- or food-deficit-induced mania, an ounce of prevention is certainly worth a pound of tears. If your little princess turns into something much darker if she misses her nap, schedule around it. And of course, try to borrow your parenting mantra from the Boy Scouts: Be prepared. It's smart to stockpile extra snacks and small, tidy activities in your purse and glove compartment.

On those inevitable days things fall apart and you're beyond prevention?

Go to primal needs. "Offer them food and water if you have them, andthen make a choice: Wait it out or go home," says Airhart.

Stay calm and reassuring. Your agitation will only fuel the fire of discontent. (The fact that this kind of misbehavior seems to favor public places makes this that much harder.)

Provide comfort. Sometimes all it takes to convert a tantrum into sleepy sniffles is a big hug and a few "there, theres." Chances are your child doesn't really know why he's upset, and a little empathy is all he needs.

Offer hope. When my daughter freaks out in the grocery-store line, I calm both of us by imagining out loud how nice it will be to get home. Don't be intimidated by disapproving looks. When I respond to my daughter in public, I do so just loud enough for others to hear: "Waiting is hard! We've been doing errands all morning — let's go home after this!" It's amazing how many kind looks I get with that simple explanation. As soon as I realize most people are sympathetic rather than judging me, I feel great relief, which helps me pull it together even if my daughter can't.

>> Appreciate your child

Books and magazines about raising children - especially about babies, toddlers and teens - have never been more popular. Yet there's a whole hidden area of childhood in-between that almost no one seems to write about.

Building for the years to come

Perhaps these years are so problem-free that parents don't often seek advice. Certainly children from about six to 12 often seem eager to please their parents, are keen to copy the behaviour of those they admire and most love to spend time with their families.

You should be working at building self-esteem, while nurturing the relationship you have with him before the more tricky days of adolescence come along. Throughout these years you need to make sure he has love, isn't under too much pressure to 'measure up' in particular ways and is appreciated for being himself.

It's also during these years that you have the greatest opportunity to teach your values and beliefs before your child turns outwards from your family towards peers during adolescence.

Use these years to spend time together - answer questions, especially those of a moral nature, and give facts about alcohol, drugs and sex before it becomes too difficult to talk.

These are the years when your child still wants to be close to you - make the most of them!

Tips for good relationships

• Keep up positive communication talking and listening, or it may become impossible in the teen years.
• Allow as much independence as possible - even if it involves some risks. Children need to discover things through their own mistakes.
• Give lots of praise. Children already get too much criticism at school, from friends, in competitive games etc. You can help build their self-esteem and self-worth.
• Help develop your child's conscience. Explain the rules of behaviour and why they are important. Don't expect too much - parents sometimes fall into the trap of measuring their children with an adult yardstick which means they'll always fall short. Avoid doing this with your children.
• Be positive, not negative. Avoid using cross words, scolding your child or finding fault too often: "You haven't washed your face properly", "Your clothes don't look right" or "I knew you were going to spill that".
• Let your children be children. They have an absolute right to be immature and to grow up gradually. Parents often expect too much too soon and this can lead to children feeling pressurised. Parents usually do this because they love their children and want them to be the best they can be - but too much pressure gives the message that your child isn't "measuring up" and can dent his self-worth.
• Teach by example. Your children are bound to imitate what they see you do. The best way to get your children to do what you want is to demonstrate it, not order them to do it!

Eileen Hayes

>> Giving praise

Praise is simply a genuine, positive comment, said with a warm look and tone. Praising your child helps them understand they're valued.

Ways to praise

Your affection, looks, gestures and words allow your child to develop a view of themselves as loved and lovable. Acting in this way will encourage them to tackle new challenges and bounce back if things don’t go their way.

Your praise will work best if you go up to your child, get their attention by using their name and looking them in the eye, then say specifically what you liked. For example, “Jade, you cleaned your teeth, well done” or “Nadim, thanks for helping me put away the toys, you did well”.

What to avoid

Your praise will be disregarded if it's insincere or doesn't match your look and tone.

Avoid giving praise with a sting in the tail. This sort of praise starts off well but ends with an implied criticism that wipes away the positive comment. For example, try not to say: “Rory, well done for making your bed - shame you don’t do it everyday” or “Lily, you shared your toy so nicely - what a pity you hit May with it yesterday".

It's worth persevering

Sometimes you may struggle to find things to praise. But look hard and praise small things - without positive comments your child is likely to find negative ways to get your attention.

You can never praise too much! Your child will not be spoiled or big-headed if you give frequent, genuine praise that reflects the effort they've put into tasks as well as the outcomes they achieve.

Claire Halsey

>> Handling night terrors

How to cope when panic attacks wake him/her

When he was 4, Rachael Bittick of Clarkston, MI, started screaming out in the middle of the night. But when his mom or dad would rush to his room, he’d be inconsolable — and fast asleep. The very next morning, he would have no idea of what had happened.

Nearly all children experience occasional “confusional arousal” — when they wake up slightly, look around yet don’t seem to comprehend what they’re seeing, then fall right back to sleep. But at least 5 percent of kids suffer from night terrors, which involve screaming, flailing, walking around, and babbling. They’re not having a bad dream, since they’re totally unaware of their behavior. But for parents it can be a nightmare.

Night terrors occur when the brain gets stuck between deeper and lighter levels of sleep, says Deborah Lin-Dyken, M.D., an associate professor of clinical pediatrics at the University of Iowa. As kids get older, their brains become able to get past this sticking point and the symptoms stop. Until then, night terrors can’t be cured, but there are ways to stave them off — and handle them when they do happen:

• Avoid triggers like overtiredness, radical schedule changes, fever (reduce it before bedtime), stress, and certain meds (such as antihistamines).
• Keep your cool. He’s not awake, but your child can sense if you’re panicking, so be calm and soothing.
• Preempt him. If your child has night terrors at a certain time, wake him 15 minutes beforehand, then tuck him back in. This will circumvent the “stuckness” that causes the night terror.
• But let him sleep through it. He’ll just be confused and upset if you interrupt it.
• Make sure he’s safe. Clear the floor and watch him so he doesn’t hurt himself if he falls out of bed or wanders around.
Parenting, April 2005

By Elizabeth Crane

>> Potty training

Many parents become anxious when teaching their toddler to use the toilet, a situation not helped by comments from friends who've "been there, done that". Here are some impartial tips on when and how to introduce your child to a potty.
The right time

On average, most children begin learning to use a potty by around their second birthday, but as with everything in children's development, each child is different. Up to the age of 20 months, toddlers' bladders empty often, making it difficult for them to master holding on for the loo.

Follow your child's lead - when he's ready to use a potty he'll let you know. Don't worry if a friend proudly states, "Oh, my daughter was out of nappies by now" or your grandmother recalls teaching your mother to use the potty when she was only a few months old.

Some parents find it easier to toilet train their children in summer, when toddlers can run around with fewer clothes on. If this isn't the right time for your child, however, don't worry. Always go with your toddler's readiness.

It might take longer for boys to learn, especially as they also have to master weeing while standing up. Most boys learn sitting down first. Dads or older brothers can then show how to do it the other way.
Is your child ready?

Your child may be ready to start trying to use the toilet if he:
stays dry for a couple of hours each day
takes an interest when you, your partner or older siblings go to the toilet
has bowel movements at regular times of the day, eg after breakfast
can demonstrate when a bowel movement is taking place, by squatting or making a grunting sound for example
lets you know he wants to be changed when his nappy is soiled
When to wait

It's usually best not to start toilet training your child during times of stress, such as:
- the arrival of a new baby in the family
- starting a new childcare arrangement
- moving from a cot to a bed
- moving house
- family relationship problems
- when a family member is ill

Top tips
* Be positive and upbeat - show the change as something exciting.
* Give lots of praise whenever your child manages to do a poo on the potty. Stress how grown up and clever he is.
* Don't rush things. Sometimes if you start teaching later, it takes less time. Toddlers over two-and-a-half may learn almost overnight.
* Expect setbacks on the way to success. Learning to use the toilet is just like other skills your toddler learns - you expect a lot of falls before walking comes easily.
* Give your toddler clothes that can be pulled down easily, so no fiddly buttons. You may also want him to wear training pants at first, to cope with those inevitable accidents.
* Never force your child to sit on the potty. This will only upset him and won't make the process any faster.
* Some toddlers enjoy picking out their own potty and toilet seat.
* Many toddlers are afraid of the sound of the toilet flushing or don't like to see the poo being flushed away. If your child feels like this, just wait until he has run off to play, then flush.
* It always takes longer for a child to learn to stay dry at night. When he starts having the occasional dry nappy in the morning, it's a good sign that the time is right to try going without a nappy.
* Do your best not to be angry with your child if he has an accident. Just say, cheerfully, "Never mind, you'll get there next time. Let's get you some dry pants."

>> 10 dad-tested ways to soothe a crying baby

Dads don't get a lot of credit for being soothing, nurturing types. But if you ask most dads, you'll find that, out of love and sheer necessity, they have indeed developed their own special ways to soothe their babies. Here's how it's done:

Try the pinky
If you're not sure what's causing the problem, wash your hands then whip out your littlest finger and offer it to your baby to suck on. This could be a much better alternative to the “handing-baby-back-to-partner” technique. The key is to insert your finger upside down, so that you don't scratch the roof of your baby's mouth with your fingernail.

Get a drink
For the baby, we mean. Try offering your baby a warm bottle of expressed breast milk or formula.

Rock and swing
Babies love movement - and what better way to swing around than in daddy’s strong arms? "Our detachable car seat doubled as a baby carrier," says Eric Jones, father of one. "When my daughter started to cry, I would lean against a chair or wall and swing the infant seat back and forth." Eric calls this the "dual-purpose swing," as it worked both as a baby sedative and a form of exercise. "I eventually stopped using this method when I noticed my right arm muscles were more developed than the left," he says.

Cut a rug
We could suggest tossing your baby in the air and catching her, but though your child will love it, your partner probably won't. So you could try this little move, submitted by veteran dad James Rothson, as an alternative. Hold your baby up to your shoulder and wrap his arms around your neck. Then, dance gently — rocking slowly back and forth — with a spin or two thrown in for good measure. Draw the curtains if you feel that nosey neighbours might be cramping your style. Tap the floor with your foot and try chanting. It doesn't really matter what you chant, as long as it's repetitive and matches the beat of your dance. Gradually lower your voice as your baby begins to quiet. And he will.